Discernment Disguised as Delay

I'm done running from the Catholic Church.

Mar 12, 2024

man statue beside concrete building during daytime — Photo by iam_os on Unsplash

At the end of January, I convinced myself that I needed time to discern my Ecumenical Mess (™️

), but in all honesty, discernment was a disguise for delay. After a difficult few weeks, I can no longer run; I’ve decided to convert and join the Catholic Church.

For those of you who may be reading my newsletter for the first time, a little context here might help. About nine months ago, my family walked away from the church I grew up in due to issues within the United Methodist Church denomination. I wrote about those issues here and here. Since then we’ve regularly attended a Southern Baptist church. However for the past three years or so, outside of church attendance, I’ve been digging into the Eastern Orthodox Church to learn more about the early church, and in November-ish of last year I decided to be open to what the Catholic Church teaches. That’s because it dawned on me that, until that point, the only thing I knew about the Catholic Church was taught by Protestants or the Eastern Orthodox, so I decided to go straight to the source.

In my previous post, I explained how I decided to slow down and discern my next steps due to a terrible experience at mass and due to my wife’s reservations. And while those are nice words, what I did in reality for about the next month was stop my seeking altogether. I quit pushing. I stopped praying the rosary. I stopped reading Catholic books or websites. I quit listening to Catholic podcasts and stopped asking any questions about the Catholic Church. My church attendance dropped off as well, and to be quite real with you, the devil did everything he could do to keep me from going back to any church.

Seriously, it was one thing after another. I decided to go back to the Baptist church for a bit but got the stomach bug one week and was stuck in bed. Another Sunday the whole family was dressed and ready to go when my wife turned on our dishwasher only to find our well had quit running. So instead of going to church, I spent the rest of that Sunday at a hardware store and attempting to make sure my home had running water. At the end of the day, that attempt failed, and although I was able to laugh about it, the whole thing was a little disheartening. Yet through all this, I knew Lent was coming and I knew Christ was calling me to draw near.

What to do with Lent?

I was compelled to Lent this year. Although I know it is ultimately a choice to participate, I felt I needed to. Yet, I had no clue what to give up this year. I wasn’t feeling convicted about my use of coffee, chocolate, or sugar. I couldn’t think of anything I have in excess as I’ve tried to limit many things over the past few years. But on the morning of Ash Wednesday, I finally remembered that sacrifices don’t always come in the form of food. Once I remembered I could sacrifice my time as well, I decided that I’d be deliberate in carving out time to return to daily prayer and scripture and to specifically begin the rosary once again. So I did.

And wouldn’t you know it, later that Ash Wednesday (and after a month in transit) I was finally notified that a copy of “Rome Sweet Home” by Dr. Scott and Kimberly Hahn was available for me to check out from my local library! So not only had I decided to give this Catholic rosary another shot, but now a book about converting to Catholicism was in my hands, ready to be devoured. I can’t tell how strange that felt all happening at once but I knew I couldn’t ignore it. I knew then that my interaction with the Catholic faith was not done.

Dominos Falling

To be honest, at this point, I didn’t need any more intellectual convincing about the Catholic Church. I’d read countless articles at Catholic Answers, listened to Dr. Scott Hahn on Pints with Aquinas, and had wonderfully insightful conversations and interactions with fine Catholics of the Substack community1. I’d also been to a beautiful mass with my brother and knew full well that I had felt Christ’s true presence during the Eucharist (although obviously I did not partake). So as I started reading “Rome Sweet Home” I wondered what I’d gain from it. I was hoping that I’d find nothing inspiring and that I’d be able to say, “Yeah, it’s a nice story for this family but it can’t apply to me.” I was dead wrong. Not only did Dr. Hahn address issues I didn’t know I had, but he countered my objections with love and beauty and left no doubt about the truth of the faith.

Purgatory

In reading “Rome Sweet Home” I realized I’d forgotten to get some clarity on purgatory. As a protestant, I straight up did not understand the concept. Perhaps I didn’t question this doctrine of the Catholic Church because I didn’t know how? Who knows? Either way, in the book, Dr. Hahn writes about a conversation between himself and his wife, Kimberly, and found a way to raise my question and squash it all at once. Below was Dr. Hahn’s response when Kimberly questioned him about purgatory.

“When Hebrews 12:29 describes God as ‘a consuming fire’, it isn’t necessarily referring to his anger. There’s the fire of hell, but there’s an infinitely hotter fire in heaven; it’s God himself. So fire refers to God’s infinite love even more than his eternal wrath. God’s nature is like a raging inferno of fiery love. In other words, heaven must be hotter than hell.
“No wonder Scripture refers to the angels who are closest to God as the Seraphim, which literally means ‘the burning ones’ in Hebrew. That’s also why Saint Paul can describe in I Corinthians 3:13 how all the saints must pass through a fiery judgment in which 'each man’s work will become manifest; for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed with fire. . .’
“Clearly he’s not talking about the fire of hell since they’re saints who are being judged. He’s talking about a fire that prepares them for eternal life with God in heaven; so the purpose of the fire is manifest: to reveal whether their works are pure (‘gold and silver’) or impure ('wood, hay, and straw’).
“Verse 15 makes it clear that some saints who are destined for heaven will pass through fire and suffer: ‘If any man’s work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himself will be saved, but only as through fire.’ The fire is there for the purpose of purging saints. That means it is a purgatorial fire; one that purifies and prepares the saints to be enveloped in the consuming fire of God’s loving presence forever.”
Scott Hahn, “Rome Sweet Home,” 1993.

Hahn then describes Kimberly’s silence and pondering and I found myself doing the same. I could not believe what I’d just read. This was probably the moment I knew I couldn’t run much longer.

Movement, Conviction, and Conversation

Praying the rosary brought peace to my spirit and “Rome Sweet Home” settled my intellect. I was at such ease with how things were progressing that I decided I would buy a rosary and rosary guide of my own to no longer rely on the Hallow app to say this prayer. Needless to say, my wife was not thrilled with this and became somewhat distraught with the purchase.

Gilbert

Then I had to go and ask about G.K. Chesterton…

My friends here on Substack might remember that more than a week ago now, I posted a note asking for recommendations on getting into the writings of G.K. Chesterton. Bless you all for your many and thoughtful responses. The very same night, I came across a pretty recent episode of Pints with Aquinas centering on the work and life of G.K. Chesterton. I couldn’t believe the timing so while I was helping with housework/ doing the dishes, I was able to learn about this incredibly interesting man. This is where I became very convicted about my situation.

Everything was going great. I heard great quotes and learned of Chesterton’s early life and conversion. Then, somehow, the gentlemen on Pints discussed Chesterton’s description of a person’s conversion process to the Catholic Church!

*This is my paraphrasing, but the process discussed and attributed to Chesterton goes something like this:

The first step in one’s conversion is to have an open mind to the worldview of the Catholic Church. A decision has been made not to agree with Rome outright but to also, for the first time, not to assume that all accusations *against the Church are true either. Chesterton apparently said that while this is only the first step, it’s usually the fatal one as many people soon find themselves rooting for the Catholic Church rather than against it. *This was me in late November - early December.
The first step then leads to something like a honeymoon period. The new open mind is utterly fascinated with the beauty of the church and by learning what the Church *actually teaches. Chesterton is quoted saying, “It is like discovering a new continent full of strange flowers and fantastic animals, which is at once wild and hospitable.” *Me from December to January. Curious readers, put a pin on this topic as I intend to write about a moment with Mary in the future.
The third step is one of panic as one finally sees he can no longer be impartial about the Church. One has to admit that either it’s all true or it’s not. The time has come to either accept the truth or to spend the rest of your life running. *Me from mid-January to early March.

I was not happy. I wasn’t angry so much as I was nervous. Somehow, this podcast had laid bare my exact circumstances and I knew I had a decision to make. It was time to face the truth or run away.2

This very same night, after I finished my tasks, I went downstairs hoping for a calm evening with my wife. Well, this night just so happened to be when she learned my brother had decided for good that he was converting to Catholicism! I had forgotten to tell her!

After reading about his decision she asked me straight up, “Well, your brother is converting, so are you going to be Catholic now too?”

“I wouldn’t convert only because he is.” (me dodging the question)

“Well, I know that. But are you?”

“I mean, (the words about Chesterton in my mind) there is absolutely nothing I can find wrong with the Catholic Church. So…”

While I didn’t say yes explicitly, we both knew that was the moment I decided I couldn’t run anymore. My mind was made up. I’m going home.

Nearly two weeks have passed now since I made my decision to convert, and I won’t get into full details here, but I’ll repeat from my previous post that I have an amazing wife and things are good on the home front. It’s not been easy and things are not perfect, but my wife and I are certainly growing closer as we go through this, and I have no doubt God is still working for our good.

So, to those of you who have been praying for me (Catholics and Protestants); thank you! My search for a church home since leaving the United Methodist Church has been trying and strange. I’ve had to confront many things I professed to believe but didn’t know much about. And please continue to pray for me. As there are very few Catholics in my area, this decision is making me quite the odd man out where I live already. I’m fine with that, but pray the Holy Spirit would prepare me to give a defense of my faith as I’m sure it will be called into question. Converting to Catholicism is not something I ever anticipated but I have absolutely no doubt this is where Christ is leading me.

To God be the glory!

I feel now more than ever that the phrase I was feeling led to at the beginning of this year, to “be on guard,” will be crucial for me as I seek to enter the Catholic Church. So here’s the St. Michael prayer of protection which I’ve been praying and a song about a storm.

St. Michael Prayer:

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St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle, be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him we humbly pray; and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God, cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

Tip Jar

I’d love to hear from you! If something I said here doesn’t quite make sense or you have any questions or comments you’d like to keep between us, send me a message!

Namely

, and

. Sorry for those who I have forgotten because I know there are more!

It may also be worth noting here that on the night I decided to join the Catholic Church, I was also three days into a Surrender Novena prayer. I have no doubt that this novena played a role in my surrender to Christ.